ghosts

romance movies make me uncomfortable
they almost always involve characters who fall in love at first sight,
the magic spark, the chemistry that we've all been brainwashed to believe in.
it is uncomfortable because I have experienced it, I was a believer that was deceived.
that deception, that inability to trust your own feelings, your own intuitions leads
to a disappointment like no other. It shakes the core of what you believe and you are
forced to build new perspectives on life and your self.
the hardest part is the ghosts that still haunt you, the traces of these desires and beliefs that still
remain. it's as lusty as the best lover, as painful as the hardest memory.
all i'm looking for is an exorcism
and more realistic movies.

again

learning how to say no
it should be easy, i've heard it enough, a mantra ringing in my ears.
perhaps that is why i resist it so much
she says i'm persistant and pushing
i feel consistent and reaching. a path i know too well.
so a steady no means getting off the path, rejecting the old rut.
but the words still resonant, "i choose to not love you".
will i hear this in every no? do i hear it in myself? is there anyway this will cease to hurt?
change is unknown and perhaps this is the discontent i feel, i'm treading in new waters.
or maybe i've found myself in the same waiting pool, creating the same fate.
speaking of fate, i don't really believe in it. i don't believe a divine hand will fix this or bring me closer.
i wish i could, it would be easier to just let go. but instead i must put faith in myself and in chance, two things i'm lacking trust in. that's my no.
no to distrust, yes to what i control, which in the end is only me.

steady yes

even though my chest was rapidly rising and falling i found myself breathing in the steadiness of the energy between us. that is why i could not sleep. you asked me what caution looks like. perhaps it has a look to spectators but the only indicator i can trust is the feeling within me, the knowing that my lessons are learned. reflected light comes from a clarity of vision, after a season of cleaning mirrors. there is a steady opening in this chest that you fall asleep upon. your strength allows a safe space for me to be myself, for this alone i would say yes. but there is much more. it is a joy to meet you half way, to feel the reciprocity in your touch. i have no expectations or disguises, i will not pretend to be completely healed from past wounds. perhaps scars are our only caution signs. all i know is that today i can give you my 'yes'. i know that each day i can give more of myself because i am living in the flight of my dreams. it is fitting that you came to me with a bird in your hands, there are feathers all around you. i see your wings and they are beautiful. throw caution to the wind and fly with me today. 

shapeshifting

today i awoke with hope in my arms, lying next to me like a lover's convex curve. it was as warm as the suns rays slicing through the blinds and i found myself not feeling alone. a presence as safe as home, carrying me over the threshold towards the open hearts of the ones who love me. there is an internal shift that begs for external expression. the journey here was paved with obstacles the size of mountains. yet the change can only be known through the subtle varying degrees of feelings. the difference is found in that moment where inhale turns to exhale and the unpinable lapse in time between sight and recognition. there is no more pain there. through me pours a faith in all things i love, the saving grace that held me up when i no longer could stand. i trusted in that love when love and trust failed me. i wont pretend that i have patched every hole in this leaky boat, but the tears that rained down no longer threaten to sink me, steady bailing keeps me afloat. i see my destination ahead and i can see the beauty in the past's wake. everything happens for a reason, there is no fate or destiny only the branching tree of choices we have made. if you are strong enough you can trace ever reason down to its root. dig through the dirt and you can come clean. you may find that love is buried there.

each moment is an opportunity to create compassion.

quotes

"one morning you will awake to find that you are the person you dreamed of, doing what you wanted to do, simply because you had the courage to believe in your potential."

today is that day

"tenderness and kindness are not signs of weakness and despair but manifestations of strength and resolution."- Kahlil Gibran

no longer will i appease the doubter for i know my love's source.

reading bedtime stories

i could have done without it, but that's not what i got. it is like looking at a complete stranger and yet i still expect to see myself there. maybe because i once did. i recognize the eyes, the smiles, the posturing, the lean against the bathroom sink. it's too easy to stay the same, right?  have we changed enough to remember the fairy tales differently? some serious editing and a few added characters makes me wonder if the ending will be any less predictable, it sure sounds familiar. all i know is that we are all promised a happy ever after.

i believe.....

i believe in the power of compassion. i believe there is beauty in taking risks. i believe there is providence in living with an open heart and an open mind. i believe there is grace in vulnerability. i believe that even the biggest wounds can heal. i believe that the worst loss will lead to your greatest gift. i believe in my own strength. i believe in love. i believe she will find me. i believe that the best is yet to come. i believe i am more alive than ever.

power and grace

some people in our lives are not meant to stay for long, we share a moment, embrace a connection and walk away changed. certain people leave a strong mark, some imprints are more beautiful than others. i suppose it depends on circumstance, chance, timing, or even the aligning of stars....but why is it that one big love can leave you broken and then a half hearted one can set you free? there is power in seeing your patterns as they unfold and there is grace in deciding to change. now i know what it feels like to let go, to be detached and to still know a moment of love and friendship. i asked for nothing, she asked for less. when my eyes stay clear, my heart becomes open. now i am ready to trust again because i trust myself to see that all love must come with wings.    thank you, g.

healing and feeling scars

i ventured into your space to see if what i suspected was true....yes, i am over you. i looked up into your poet tree and and heard the little bird sing. it was a song about love. i smiled because i was at peace that it wasn't for me and i cried because i was grateful that you were free. we both are finally happy. today is the day i learned what love means and it is found in the sound and sight of flying wings.

the mourning lingers

burning bridges is not my form of trail blazing.....

to be understood

What makes one heroic?- going out to meet at the same time one's highest suffering and one's highest hope.

What does your conscience say?- "You shall become the person you are."

What is the seal of liberation?- No longer being ashamed in front of oneself.

The Artist's Reality

"sensuality is our index to reality.....and our notions of reality are known to be simply the registration of comparative degrees of pain and pleasure." -Rothko

Greenberg

two lines from that movie really stuck with me:

1. "hurt people, hurt people!"

2. "do you know how hard it is to learn to accept the life you didn't plan on living?"

this pretty much explains why i have no business dating and why i can suddenly bust into tears in line at the post office.

Book 3 #124

In the horizon of the infinite- We have left the land and have embarked. We have burned our bridges behind us-indeed, we have gone farther and destroyed the land behind us. Now, little ship, look out! Beside you is the ocean: to be sure, it does not always roar, and at times it lies spread out like silk and gold and reveries of graciousness. But hours will come when you will realize that it is infinite and that there is nothing more awesome than infinity. Oh, the poor bird that felt free and now strikes the walls of this cage! Woe, when you feel homesick for the land as if it had offered more freedom- and there is no longer any "land."

symbolism

two mason jars of wind falling into the river. i watched them float away until they tumbled over the dam. one lingered longer than the other, if i had chose to i could have easily retrieved it from across the bank......freedom has weight, and still it floats.

delightful

...she won't need her arms to hold me because she will hold me with her heart...

balancing act

life feels like a constant tightrope walk. i recognize the importance of this time in my life, the sheer act of walking a thin line. so much risk, so much effort, so much discomfort, so much within reach, so much slipping away, so much that has always been within me, so much hope,feeling so alive on this edge. it is utterly overwhelming no matter how welcomed or necessary. sometimes i think autonomy is really an illusion, I did not set up the line, I did not make the rope. People watch from either end with an outstretched hand. I can do the best for myself, take care of myself first, fulfill my own needs, breathe steadily, stay balanced but the truth is i have not done it alone. i don't know if i would be writing these words without the loving people in my life: family, friends, strangers who opened themselves up to me. I've made more new friends in the last 6 months than the last 4 years, I am grateful beyond measure. It is the greatest gift, the opening of my eyes and heart. However, it is not easy to grieve and mourn the loss of a life you've lived for so long. It feels like rubbing up against jagged rocks in order to remove shedding skin. I asked for change, I got more than I ever imagined. I am powerful in my ability to manifest, I accept I made this all happen. Everything happens for a reason, to see this it takes a backward reflection not a future prophecy. I see now that she was there long ago, perhaps just a dream that lived inside me, it's not fair to her person that she disappointed me. I saw my self, my dream, my ideals and to be honest I still do. That was one of the many fatal flaws. I recognize now that this feeling of something dying within me, this immense grief has to do with what has been in me all along. The transition from one life into another, allowing the dream to die and opening up a space to actually live it. I know why I fell, why I chose to, I loved for who I was. Who I am still lives and still loves. Now I have little to give others in terms of material and objects, any sense of societal security. Clearly now I only have myself to give. It took losing everything to know what that means. I could intellectualize it but now I know what it feels like, sounds like, looks like. Through this I've learned how to articulate my needs, to loosen the chains, I am being opened to the flow of exchange. Clarity comes with a healing price; mourning. I wish I had that gift to give then and the spaciousness to receive endlessly, I knew in that one area she was right. Retrospectively, it could not have been any other way, there are so many reasons why. So now, I write to express myself, to one day be heard and to be understood.... by whom I do not know. It's healing to see myself again, so long overdue. The wind of each day brings abundant smiles to my face, just as it trembles the tightrope of my heart. I step gently and intentionally...looking forward, not down. open arms, open hearts await.

words only

"Just as you were about to step on it, I asked you: 'Do you want to cross the footbridge to me?'-Immediately, you did not want to any more; and when I asked you again, you remained silent. Since then mountains and torrential rivers and whatever separates and alienates have been cast between us, and even if we wanted to get together, we couldn't. But when you now think of that little footbridge, words fail you and you sob and marvel."

wake up call?

this morning i awoke to a voice that said "go on with your life...you don't need me any more." a little nutty perhaps but it sounded like the voice of reason and change. the question is 'who was there that i don't need?'

#2 My Happiness

Since I grew tired of the chase

And search, I learned to find;

And since the wind blows in my face,

I sail with every wind.