Thursday, March 10, 2011


romance movies make me uncomfortable
they almost always involve characters who fall in love at first sight,
the magic spark, the chemistry that we've all been brainwashed to believe in.
it is uncomfortable because I have experienced it, I was a believer that was deceived.
that deception, that inability to trust your own feelings, your own intuitions leads
to a disappointment like no other. It shakes the core of what you believe and you are
forced to build new perspectives on life and your self.
the hardest part is the ghosts that still haunt you, the traces of these desires and beliefs that still
remain. it's as lusty as the best lover, as painful as the hardest memory.
all i'm looking for is an exorcism
and more realistic movies.


learning how to say no
it should be easy, i've heard it enough, a mantra ringing in my ears.
perhaps that is why i resist it so much
she says i'm persistant and pushing
i feel consistent and reaching. a path i know too well.
so a steady no means getting off the path, rejecting the old rut.
but the words still resonant, "i choose to not love you".
will i hear this in every no? do i hear it in myself? is there anyway this will cease to hurt?
change is unknown and perhaps this is the discontent i feel, i'm treading in new waters.
or maybe i've found myself in the same waiting pool, creating the same fate.
speaking of fate, i don't really believe in it. i don't believe a divine hand will fix this or bring me closer.
i wish i could, it would be easier to just let go. but instead i must put faith in myself and in chance, two things i'm lacking trust in. that's my no.
no to distrust, yes to what i control, which in the end is only me.